I'm so bummed. We went to the Good Friday service tonight. I almost didn't go. I went to mass by myself with all three kids last night and Jack didn't do so hot...I ended up spending most of mass in the Narthex with Kain and Jack (Maria stayed in mass on her own). But Kain is with his Dad tonight, Jack had a later than usual nap, so I thought what the heck....I'd try it and if Jack didn't make it then I'd sit in the Narthex again. So, we are walking in before mass starts and Jack is fussing a little on the way in, nothing that I thought was a big deal considering we hadn't even sat down yet and all the *adults* were chatting it up anyway, and we sit down near the front...and this elderly woman two rows behind me makes some snotty comment about Jack. I can't honestly even remember exactly what she said, but something indicating her irritation that we were sitting near her with a toddler. I turned around and shot her a long and dirty look (sorry, I'm not Christian enough to not do that much I guess) and she glared right back at me. So mass starts and I'm so upset and fuming, holding back tears, feeling this woman's eyes boring into the back of my head, and I'm praying, praying, praying furiously that Jack will do well during the long service. Miraculously, he does do pretty darned well. Not still and silent, I mean, he *is* two, but not anything I couldn't quickly distract and quiet and we didn't have to leave. On the way out, Maria said the woman (she *thinks* it was the same woman but she's not sure...several of the senior ladies stop to chat with Maria, lol) said something about him "being pretty good this time". I'm feeling like maybe Jack is a total disruptive little snot during most masses and maybe I am just oblivious? I mean, we do often have to take him out at some point right now, but many times we don't. He rarely fusses during mass or misbehaves. Usually we take him out because he just starts talking loudly and wants to play. I was thinking maybe it wasn't appropriate for me to bring my kids to a longish 7pm service, but they had the children's offering basket up by the front during mass and a *lot* of kids came up. They have a fish fry before mass on Good Friday so there were a lot of families there for that I guess. Anyway, I'm just feeling bummed out and unwelcome in mass. I really feel like Jack is pretty good for a 2 year old, Maria is great, Kain even does pretty well now, but kids are kids, you know? We teach them, we redirect them, and when that doesn't work one of us takes them out and we try again next week. John is a nurse and often works weekends and it is not unusual for me to be at mass alone with all three kids, and mass is hard work even on a good day. Tonight was just very discouraging for me. At one point during the offering that woman and whomever was with her were chatting loudly about their weekend plans, and I wanted to turn around and say, "OK, he doesn't know how to behave in mass because he's TWO, what's your excuse?" Not terribly charitable,,, I'm just bummed I guess...it's not the first time. One time we sat down with our kids before mass started and this elderly couple looked at us, got up, and moved! I couldn't believe it! That was so rude it was actually kind of funny and we all just kind of laughed it off. It was also in our pre-Kain days and Jack was just a little baby who slept through mass, so I couldn't even take their behavior personally.
Anyway, I'm done venting I guess...I'm going to consciously let this go and continue on preparing for Easter....
Deep breaths.....good air in,,,,bad air out....in....out.....
3 comments:
Melanie, I am sure you already know this, but tonight was the elderly lady's problem, not yours.
Do not let people like this discourage you. Always remember that Jesus only got really angry twice in the Bible - once with the money changers in the temple and once when His disciples tried to keep the little children from Him [OK, and there was that one time when Peter tried to talk Him out of going to the crucifixion! "Get the behind me Satan!" :) ] But Jesus yelled at his disciples for keeping the children from Him!
Also remember that for every person like this elderly woman who was being nasty, there are a whole bunch more people thinking positive things - like "Wow! What a great mom to bring her little ones to the veneration of the cross!" And others may be thinking "if only I had brought my kids to things like this like she is doing, maybe they would still be Catholic". Or you may have inspired another mom who left her kids at home or in the nursery "if she can do it, maybe I should try...." Other children may come to know & love the Mass because their moms decided to follow your example. [I'm giving you these specific examples because they are things that other people have actually said to me after different Masses through the years - so these are real things that people may be thinking :) ].
I know how you feel though. We *often* get nasty looks at Mass and my friend who moved away recently [and had 5 children also] did too. We would sit behind them sometimes and see other people giving them ugly looks or even actually moving to another part of the Sanctuary because our friends sat near them. Ironically, my friend's children were extremely well behaved in Mass [as are all of mine except Gianna who is still a toddler].
I imagine that most of the dirty looks we get are because we have 5 children - it is really sad that one would encounter that attitude in *any* Christian Church, much less a Catholic one. But I can feel really self conscious about it sometimes - there are moments when I get "that look" that I actually feel ashamed because I have "so many" children - and then I realize how stupid that is to let this person, who IS the one with the problem, make *me* feel bad about my beautiful children. You know? That is a disordered frame of mind, and not what God consistently teaches us.
Two weeks ago we went to Mass and as I was walking in with Angelica in the sling and holding Isabella's hand on one side and Gianna's hand on the other and my two older kids walking right behind me towards the pew, this woman I'd never seen before was glaring at me - I mean really, obviously GLARING at us and just looked so full of hate! It startled me when I looked up and saw her. I smiled at her but it made me feel so bad. She kept glaring at us all the way down the isle to our seats and shot dirty looks through the whole Mass [even though we weren't even sitting near her]. I had been up all night with the two youngest and it had been a monumental accomplishment to get all my children up and dressed so nicely and to 8:30am Mass on time - and then we walk in and that is the first thing I see. I teared up after we sat down, because it just plain hurt my feelings.
Then, there was an older woman sitting right in front of us and she kept turning around to look at us. She didn't have any particular expression on her face, but I felt so self conscious because of the other woman glaring at me that I *assumed* she was looking back because she thought the kids were being bad. [They weren't, but that's how I felt]. So, that just made me feel worse and I was totally in a "why do I even bother coming to Mass?" mindset by the end of Mass! [which is just awful I know :( ].
So, after Mass, we were talking to our friends [it was their last Mass before they moved] in the narthex and the elderly woman who had been looking back at us through the whole Mass came up to me and said "Oh, honey, your children are SO good! They were little angels in Mass and you are doing such a good job with them! I love seeing big families like yours - you have beautiful children. I was one of 11 children, but sadly my daughter has decided to only have one. I wish she would have a big family like yours." I mean - wow! I burst into tears and thanked her for sharing her thoughts! [Hey, I just had a baby, I'm totally post partum still LOL!].
So, really - the one woman may have been nasty tonight, but you don't know how other people might have been feeling. Sometimes people don't share the good comments because they think you *know* already, you know? [This is why I try to always share thoughts like this with other moms - I *know* we don't know and its good to hear we are doing something right for a change!]
You are doing *exactly* what Jesus called you to do - very specifically and several times through the Gospels! Everything is right between you and Jesus - the other people will just have to work out their own problems. When that lady was glaring at me last week, after I sat down in tears, I prayed for her. I prayed for her because I know for her to be that angry about me having several precious children, there have to be some real problems in her life. It made me feel a little better - maybe it might help you if this happens again at your Church? It has taken me a long time to get to where I could pray for her and not want to go over and slap her instead [people being ugly about children in Mass has been a pet peeve of mine for a very long time... :( ].
But really - we all have to realize that this kind of attitude [being ugly about children in Mass] is not because of *us* - it is not because we are doing something wrong or because our children are "bad" [like you Melanie, we take the toddler out if she gets crazy]. It is because we live in a fallen world and in particular in a culture that is literally the Culture of Death - so much so that this great evil seeps right into the hearts and minds of the people who come to the very altar of the Lord. It is sad - but again, we have to acknowledge and accept that this lies outside of our control - all we can do is keep bringing our babies to Mass and keep being a positive example of what God is *calling* the whole world do to - bring the little children to HIM!
You are HIS witness Melanie, don't ever forget it. ;)
{{{HUGS}}} Melanie. I am so sorry this happened. *Good for you* for taking your children to the veneration of the Cross tonight - God bless you and them. You did good!
Kelly
Wow....what Kelly said!
We sometimes have young families sit near us and it never fails that the baby or toddler will wail during the Consecration or during the homily when Father is making some life-changing comment - but we are SO HAPPY those children are there and their parents DO bring them! My husband always says "glare at one and you will lose 5 (or 6 or however many in the family.) He is so right!
I hear of many young families going to Protestant churches because of all the programs keeping the kiddies entertained during the service and for the vibrant teen programs. Well, we have Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament which more than makes up for that! But - for those that have a weak belief in the Real Presence it's easy for them to slip away from the Catholic Church. I am very happy you are strong in your belief!
I would hazard a guess that the old folks that move or give you a look might be hard of hearing so they sit where they can hear better. Or maybe they never had kids and don't understand the normal noise level of children. I heard a story of one older lady who used to be very sour when a young, large Catholic family sat near her. They befriended her and she became their "adopted" grandma and she would then sit with the family and help with the kids!
And if someone glares at you or moves or talks at inappropriate times then pray that the Holy Spirit will pour out His grace upon them - chances are their faith may be poorly formed or even dormant even though they are at Mass regularly.
Your kids are the future of the Church. When those old folks are dead and buried it will be your kids in positions of service in the Church.
May you have a holy and blessed Easter!
Thanks Kelly and Angela,,
I had a friend that did leave the church a long time ago because someone made a hurtful comment about her toddler. Yes, she had a weak faith to begin with, but an encouraging comment could have swayed her the other way!
The older ladies *love* my 10yo and are always saying how good she is in mass, how sweet she is, and I want to say, "Hey, you know, she didn't hatch out of an egg this way...lol...she was a loud 2yo once too!"
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