I've been praying over my pain, over the open sore in my heart that is our situation with Kain. I think I am finding some measure of peace. I think, for me, it is a matter of control, of learning to let go. I control things pretty tightly around here. The world is not a safe place for my children. I firmly believe that. Not in a "mix up a batch of cyanide Kool-aid and wait for the next comet" kind of way that people often associate with homeschoolers, but the world is a scary place in which to release your kids, and I'll admit, it's part of why I like homeschooling. Am I overprotective? You betcha. And because my kids spend most of their time with me, I control what kind of literature they are exposed to, what kind of clothing they are allowed to wear, what kind of music they even know exists, what kind of TV shows they may watch, what kind of math book they use. I have very strong reasons for the choices I have made. I am a conscious parent...every choice I make has thought behind it,,,sometimes a lot of thought. With Kain, I have lost control. During the week, he lives with my kids in a pretty sheltered environment where saying, "Oh God" and "That sucks!" is not allowed, video games are shunned for outside play, tv is shunned for books and legos, granola bars and pretzels are the junkiest snacks you'll find after school and prayers are said every night before bed. I hand him over to his father every weekend where he watches South Park, eats McDonald's every day, plays video games for hours at a time, sees heavy drinking/partying/fornication firsthand, and religion is openly mocked. Then I have to send him to his mother's at her whim, where not only does all of the above happen in spades but I can't even be certain of his physical safety. It drives me *crazy*. I am going crazy! I am constantly finding "what if's" circling around in my head, especially this week while Kain is gone. What if she doesn't bring him back on time and I have to rush him off to bed because he'll have school on Monday? What if she hasn't given him his asthma meds and he's sick? What if she's been smoking around him all week? What if she doesn't bring him back Sunday? What if she doesn't bring him back at all? What will I do when she wants to take him over the summer? What if she won't sign guardianship papers? What happens when he is 12 years old and starts sneaking his dads cigarettes and booze, starts imitating his crazy Goth lifestyle? How can I protect my children from these things of the world I have chosen to reject if they start creeping in the back door with Kain? What should I do if he starts insisting that he live with his mom or dad when he gets older? You'd think deep down he'd rather stay here where life is sane and happy, but let me tell you, the boy would go live with Charles Manson if he had a Nintendo.
It comes down to control, doesn't it? I have an illusion on control over my own children. It *is* an illusion,isn't it? We all know that God holds the cards here. He could take one of my children away at any time. Because I know, deep down, they aren't *my* children at all, they are His, just as Kain is his, and just as with Kain I am at best a poor image of God for them all. The saints and scriptures often speak of detachment, even detachment from our own families. Jesus asked Peter to leave his WIFE and KIDS to go be his disciple, something I've never quite gotten over realizing. Why? How can Christ tell us to love one another as we love ourselves and yet expect us to be detached from them? Aren't those two sentiments at odds with each other, to both be detached and yet to love? Does Christ really expect us to be *detached* from our own children?? Because I'm not. I feel so attached to my own children, and to Kain, that it makes my heart hurt. But yes, we are called to be detached, even from our children. Detachment, gospel detachment, is not the antithesis of love. It is the highest, most Christ-like form of love. It is a complete resignation and acceptance of God's will for me and for them, a complete trust that God loves my children in a far more pure and perfect way than I could ever achieve, that he alone knows the big picture and knows what is necessary to lead them to salvation. That is what Kain is teaching me. I must be mindful of my place, my role. I want to take over and "fix" Kain, I want his parents and their messy problems to go away so that I can fold Kain neatly into our lives and we can all live happily ever after. I must learn to resign myself to God's plan, to God's timing, and trust Him to know what is truly best for all of us. It is incredibly difficult to do. I find myself, with utmost arrogance, to keep trying to coach God along. I think, not quite in the front of my brain but maybe back in the corner, that *I* know what is best and that my prayers to God are more just a petition for Him to get with the program already. With typical human self-importance I think that *I* am responsible for my their salvation. That is simply untrue. I was not given to my children, and maybe especially Kain, to save them. It is the other way around. They are *my* vocation. They are the path that God has chosen to lead *me* down the path to salvation. I cannot do anything to ensure my children's salvation other than form them in the faith the best way I know how. For Kain, all I can do is the best I can for the time that I have him. In the end, they must all chose salvation for themselves. They must find the vocation God has chosen for them.
"Love consists not in feeling great things but in having great detachment and in suffering for the Beloved."--St. John of the Cross
7 comments:
That's really beautiful, mel. My heart hurts for you and for Kain. God is with us though and we know He is faithful.
God bless you for your effort. I feel your misery because I know that I would feel the same. I think prayer is just about the only thing you can do.
>>I was not given to my children, and maybe especially Kain, to save them. It is the other way around. They are *my* vocation. They are the path that God has chosen to lead *me* down the path to salvation<<
That is pretty profound.
About St. Peter, I've always figured that his children were grown, not babies, and he was to look for his future not in seeing his physical posterity raised up to greatness, nor to be cared for by them in his old age, but to belong entirely to Christ. More like Jesus was asking Peter to give up his 401k than stop loving his loved ones.
On the one hand, you are correct that the world is not a safe place for your children. But on the other hand, we are to be in the world but not of it. We are to live on earth, practicing for heaven. Focusing on the things of heaven, focusing on the graces God has for us, for our kids, and to flow through us for the world. If we are looking at all the scary things out there we are facing the wrong direction. Climb the mountain to where God is, always keeping our eyes on The Goal, and the children will learn how to survive in this world by watching us do it.
I think we are called first and primarily to detach from our sin, our pride, our selves, but never from love, or Love who is God. I think real love does hurt; it's supposed to. It's part of the vocation you mention.
A Mother's Consecration of Her Child to the Sacred Heart
O most Sacred and Adorable Heart of Jesus I consecrate to you my child______.
I consecrate to you his/her soul with all it's powers, his body with all its senses, his heart with all its affections now and for all the days of his life.
O Jesus of the loving heart, grant that this child of mine may never tarnish by mortal sin the white robe of baptismal innocence. Preserve him always in your love.
Dear Jesus, give him happiness, health and prosperity if it is for his good and your glory. Protect him at the hour of death and let him be with you in the joys of paradise.
Amen.
Hey Mel,
My older sister, who is adoopted, brought alot of things into our house when I was growing up. This caused my parents alot of grief and I became superior and angry with her, however, i never felt the desire to dabble in any of the things she tried. Keep trusting God that Kain's presence in your life is good no matter the form it takes. He may be the salvation of you, his parents, and many of us in the greater community.
Thanks, everyone, and Angela that prayer was lovely. I should say it for all of the kids! :) I've been feeling better after my emotional couple of days.
Mel, I prayed it for my two sons and the youngest's GF one morning when I was alone at Eucharistic Adoration. It's a powerful prayer.
My youngest is in the Army and will be getting an all expense paid trip to Afghanistan soon - knowing he is under the protection of the Sacred Heart gives me great comfort. Yet, all our children are engaged in battle, aren't they.
Some time ago I read in one of Patrick Madrid's "Surprised by Truth" series of a Catholic grandma who consecrated her baby grandson, who was being raised in a Catholic hating protestant sect, to the Sacred Heart and eventually he left that church even though his father was a minister there and became Catholic.
Post a Comment