But I will just go ahead and say it. This life,,,this stay-at-home mom of little kids, homeschooling life that I love...this is a lonely life. I don't always feel lonely. Most of the time I would say I am too busy to really even think about it, and that I really would feel hard-pressed to find the time to nurture a close friendship right now anyway, that that kind of relationship with other adults was for a time in my past life, and probably will be for another time in the future, but it's not for now. I don't have time for long phone chats and lunches out. I don't even have time to shave. But still. Sometimes I miss it. Sometimes the loneliness of it all is crushing. Do I sound like a total dip?
John is my best friend. We talk, often. But, I am an extrovert married to an introvert. He just doesn't have the same need to connect as I do, not in the same way anyway. When life is stressful, I need to talk more and he needs to talk less. It's a less than ideal situation at times.
I belong to homeschool groups. When I go to activities, I spend all my time chasing my kids while they chase theirs. I have never been able to regularly attend mom's nights out and planning meetings and those sorts of things because I always have nursing babies and toddlers and a husband that works weird hours. I have a babysitting teenager who already babysits too much to depend on for such trifling things. I am blessed to be close to my mom and I talk to her daily...a link to the world outside my living room and very often the only adult conversation I have for days at a time. But I miss having regular contact with friends, I miss laughing over drinks and appetizers, I miss drinking too much coffee over a long heart to heart, I miss having lunch with people that I don't have to feed. I've filled the gap with online groups and forums, but now I barely have time to keep my inbox empty. I wake up with children in my bed, and go to sleep with children in my bed. I nurse babies in my sleep. I take showers with little heads peeping around the curtain and voices calling up the stairs. I'm never, ever alone. I'm so busy and I'm so surrounded by other people that I feel like crawling into a cave at times, and so who can be lonely in the middle of all of this crazy, people-filled chaos?
Oh, I'm not always lonely, not even close. Most days I'm just fine, really and truly. I'm happy, and I don't regret my choices, and I truly love spending every day with my children. I was a working mom, and it sucked. I know I'm blessed, enormously blessed, to be here surrounded by these sweet faces.
But some days...some days are different, you know? Some days I'm overwhelmed and stressed out and in tears much of the day over this and that, and my husband is absorbed in his own stuff and just doesn't get it, and I'm wishing then that I had someone to call, someone to say, "hey, I need to vent, let's meet for coffee", and then I regret all those almost-friendships I didn't take the time to nurture.
8 comments:
Dear Melanie,
My personal take is that I think it would be good to cultivate one or two friendships. Homeschooling can be very lonely. A friend of mine wasn't having a good day today and came over. She felt like she was imposing on our family time even though I invited her at my husband's suggestion. But in the end she got a little respite from her day to day life, had fun playing a game with me and my children, went home with an attitude change and she had learned to play a game she could now teach her family to play. As she was leaving, I said I don't think families are meant to be isolated.
Interestingly, this same friend and I, before we met at a playgroup, were both praying for a friend. It was one of those kindred spirit meetings and we have been very good friends since. I do have several good friends but some of them are just "talking" friends (as on the phone) and I wanted one that lived close by and would actually do some things together.
I was feeling awfully lonely one day this week and what I needed to do was spend some time with the Lord and talk about it. I realize with the ages of your children you may not be able to do that very often. Mine are 18, 15, 12, 7 and 3;so I can more often. Today I went outside and did a rosary walk. It was cold and windy and I kept thinking about everything but the rosary but I believe the Lord takes even these humble offerings.
We had our best Thanksgiving ever this year probably because I was sick (I came down with a cold Sunday) and had to let people help me and thus had to let them do things in their less than perfect ways (that is, not my way!) My husband and I were grumpy but with a little playful humor (I did remember to pray for help instead of letting my anger simmer) we got over that. Then I was able to be supportive to my sister-in-law who wasn't having such a great day with my brother. It was great to hear my 7 year old say this was the best Thanksgiving ever even before our guests arrived.
On Wednesday, he had made cookies, place cards for everyone, (I called that math and writing for the day) plus set up our big table and lots of other things, while even the 3 year old made the cranberry sauce and the 12 year old made the white sauce. The 15 year old who is my most efficient helper was at her home school enrichment all day and my 18 year old had to work.
I pray you find joy in whatever circumstances you find yourself in.
Mary Lu
Dear Melanie,
My personal take is that I think it would be good to cultivate one or two friendships. Homeschooling can be very lonely. A friend of mine wasn't having a good day today and came over. She felt like she was imposing on our family time even though I invited her at my husband's suggestion. But in the end she got a little respite from her day to day life, had fun playing a game with me and my children, went home with an attitude change and she had learned to play a game she could now teach her family to play. As she was leaving, I said I don't think families are meant to be isolated.
Interestingly, this same friend and I, before we met at a playgroup, were both praying for a friend. It was one of those kindred spirit meetings and we have been very good friends since. I do have several good friends but some of them are just "talking" friends (as on the phone) and I wanted one that lived close by and would actually do some things together.
I was feeling awfully lonely one day this week and what I needed to do was spend some time with the Lord and talk about it. I realize with the ages of your children you may not be able to do that very often. Mine are 18, 15, 12, 7 and 3;so I can more often. Today I went outside and did a rosary walk. It was cold and windy and I kept thinking about everything but the rosary but I believe the Lord takes even these humble offerings.
We had our best Thanksgiving ever this year probably because I was sick (I came down with a cold Sunday) and had to let people help me and thus had to let them do things in their less than perfect ways (that is, not my way!) My husband and I were grumpy but with a little playful humor (I did remember to pray for help instead of letting my anger simmer) we got over that. Then I was able to be supportive to my sister-in-law who wasn't having such a great day with my brother. It was great to hear my 7 year old say this was the best Thanksgiving ever even before our guests arrived.
On Wednesday, he had made cookies, place cards for everyone, (I called that math and writing for the day) plus set up our big table and lots of other things, while even the 3 year old made the cranberry sauce and the 12 year old made the white sauce. The 15 year old who is my most efficient helper was at her home school enrichment all day and my 18 year old had to work.
I pray you find joy in whatever circumstances you find yourself in.
Mary Lu
Thank you Mary Lu, you are right...it is worth the effort to pray about this and pursue better friendships. And I do think that a lack of time alone in prayer is an issue too and adds to this feeling. Even my prayer time is done while laying down with my baby and toddler at night. I recently got a rare chance to go to adoration, and it was wonderful...I left feeling better and more encouraged than I have felt in ages. I need to think about some ways to get this kind of recharge more often.
Dear Melanie,
Every mother of young children, homeschooling or not, has had the same feelings at one time or another. Sometimes those lonely days seem endless...as do the diapers...and the endless call of "Mama".
I promise you that years from now, Melanie, you will look back on these busy hectic 'no time for me" years as precious memories. Your arms will ache to hold a warm little body next to yours. When you have all the time in the world for lunch with friends, you will long for a peanut butter and jelly sandwich at the kitchen table with those toddlers of long ago.
I am at the other end of your rainbow, children grown and lots of time to do volunteer work , nuture friedships, help family but there can be a lonilimess to this, too.
Treasure the place God has put you for now and look forward to his plans for your future.
You blog touches me deeply. I look forward to each entry. I will hold you and your family in my prayers.
Fondly, Janie
Thank you Janie. I'm 36 now (oh my gosh, I had to totally sit here and do the math to remember how old I am!). I am to the point of seeing that my there won't be just endless baby years ahead...I will miss them when they're gone, I know. I sit here blogging one handed with a just-nursed baby asleep on my lap, my leg curled up under him (and completely numb!), and I know these days will be too short looking back.
Thank you for posting this. I could write ten posts about this subject, but I am a little busy with a 5 day old baby right now. I so struggle with wanting to nurture friendships and not having the time/energy/organizational skills to devote to them.
I miss you Melanie!!
I miss you too Teri! I think about your "big little girl" all the time and how grown up she must be by now! :)
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